Mother-in-law plans expensive ski vacation for the entire family without asking whether the rest of the family can afford it: 'I find the way she went about it kind of manipulative.'

Author image for Emmy Pratt
Emmy Pratt • Senior Editor
Dec 30, 2025 8:00 PM EST

They've gone on way too long without telling her that enough is enough.

Have you ever been in a situation where you feel like you can't say no to a fragile person because you don't want to hurt their feelings? Maybe you have a friend who always puts herself down, saying no one wants to hang out with her. You might feel pressured to say yes to her every time she asks to hang out because it might make her double down on this theory that nobody likes her. That's admittedly kind of a bad spot for her to put you in, but if she has low enough self-esteem and you're avoidant enough to always say yes to her even if you don't want to, you might continue with such an arrangement for a long time. 

Most people do not venture out of their way to hurt people's feelings. In fact, a lot of us make far too many social decisions out of fear of hurting someone's feelings, and it hurts us in the end. You should be able to tell your friends you can't afford to go to the restaurant they want to go to without hurting their feelings. There's literally nothing wrong with telling someone in your life that you're uncomfortable with how much access they have to you, and that you need some space away from them. There's even nothing wrong with being open and honest about being mad at someone, especially someone you love. But a lot of people swallow their emotions for the sake of keeping the peace, and that's where resentment starts and grows.

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  • Woman practicing alpine skiing with alpine guide instructor
    via Getty Images (Unsplash+)

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • The daughter-in-law in this story should've told her mother-in-law a long time ago that she doesn't like her planning events without asking her availability. Instead, she's let it happen for years, and now she's bitter that she planned a ski trip without asking first.

  • Am I overreacting for refusing to go on a ‘vacation’ with my in-laws that was booked without our knowledge?

    My MIL is extremely family- oriented and lives alone after being widowed about 10 years ago. I'm married to her eldest son and we have a baby. Her other son is also married with a toddler. Before we all had kids, she used to book family 'vacations' for all of us
    via u/TokenYeti658
  • using a timeshare system she has without asking us if we wanted to go or even checking if the dates worked for us. This would often involve driving 3+ hours to a town that doesn't have anything we want to see or do.. She's also done this with theatre tickets, sports
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  • tickets, etc. in her city, which is 5 hours away from us. We make the drive at least every 2-3 months and stay with her at her house for several days each time, so it's not like this is the only way she'll see us.
    via u/TokenYeti658
  • Portrait of multigenerational family outdoors on garden barbecue grilling and talking
    via Getty Images (Unsplash+)

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • We mentioned multiple times (subtly) that she needs to check with us before booking things. I thought she got the memo until this Christmas she 'gifted' us all a week 'vacation' together in a ski town in MAY to celebrate a significant work anniversary for
    via u/TokenYeti658
  • her. It's a 6 hour drive for us (closer for her and my BIL/SIL). I simply don't want to go. She said she chose that date specifically because it's before I return to work following my maternity leave.... But being on maternity leave doesn't necessarily mean I'm available, and
    via u/TokenYeti658
  • it definitely doesn't mean I want to incur the expense of food, gas, etc. on this 'gift'. If she had asked us before booking it and presented it as something she wanted to do to celebrate this milestone for her career, I would
    via u/TokenYeti658
  • have sucked it up since I understand family time is very important to her and she doesn't have a spouse to celebrate this work anniversary with. However, I find the way she went about it infantalising and ultimately kind of manipulative. My BIL and SIL are
    via u/TokenYeti658
  • also not thrilled. Neither of them are even certain they can get the time off work, but my husband and BIL seem determined to try to make it work without acknowledging the way she did it is not okay. I told my husband we can either have a talk with her to
    via u/TokenYeti658
  • tell her in no uncertain terms that she needs to stop spending money and making reservations without checking with us first, OR I will not be going on this ‘vacation' (and neither will her exclusively breast fed grandchild).
    via u/TokenYeti658
  • ZookeepergameNo7151 INFO You're being subtle why???
    via u/ZookeepergameNo7151
  • OP TokenYeti658 Because my husband is afraid of hurting her feelings and isn't willing to stand up to her
    via u/TokenYeti658
  • A man sitting on the floor
    via Guillaume Issaly (Unsplash+)

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • voodoodollbabie YOR because all of you have been enabling MIL's behavior for years. What's different this time? You said you would have said yes if she had asked, but since she didn't ask your answer is no. Sorry but that doesn't make any sense at all. It sounds like your plan is to tell her to stop making reservations WHILE AT THE SAME TIME you're all going on this trip even though no one really wants to. I'm curious why no one in this family can tell Mom "No." because her behavior is ridiculou
    via u/voodoodollbabie
  • OP TokenYeti658 No, definitely not any financial incentive. It's more so that she revolves her entire life around her kids and is an extremely emotional and sentimental person. Since her husband passed (who would have told her her behaviour is ridiculous) her sons feel too guilty to reel her in.
    via u/TokenYeti658
  • NOR k23_k23 Just don't go. Tell her you already have other plans, but thanls for the invitation. But: You don'T have a MIL problem, you have a husband problem. You need to set thee boundaries with HIM.
    via u/k23_k23
  • ParticularHappy6587 NOR. But let your husband go with the baby by himself. Win, win. He gets to please his mother, you get to stay home. You can do your final recharging and prep before returning to work, as the last few months with a baby must have been exhausting. NOR. Not even a little bit. Those shenanigans would do my head in. Plus you're post partum??? Hell no.
    via u/ParticularHappy6587
  • newprairiegirl NOR, stop being subtle, she can't understand that. Call her out and tell her, 'I wish you would have discussed this with us, I have plans during that time and will not be able to attend', just say it and stick to it. Your hubby needs to correct this going forward. There is no way I would want to spend money on a trip going somewhere that doesnt interest me. Her children can go on this trip with her to celebrate.
    via u/newprairiegirl
  • sofiaa_torez NOR. You've set this boundary multiple times and she ignored it. Natural consequence is you don't go.
    via u/sofiaa_torez
  • Original_Elephant_27 NOR but since you kept showing up in the past, telling her "subtly" isn't going to cut it. The only way this ends is by saying no. "Sorry, we have other plans that weekend. I wish you would have checked with us first. Have fun though!" Period.
    via u/Original_Elephant_27
  • everyothenamegone69 MIL raised a couple of mama's boys.
    via u/everyothenamegone69
  • OkeyDokey654 Dear god, why are you "subtly mentioning" that she needs to go through you first? You could have nipped this in the bud long ago by saying "sorry, that doesn't work for us, please ask us first before making plans that include us."
    via u/OkeyDokey654
  • DangerLime113 NOR but you mention that you made the point "subtly." What exactly did you say to her? You need(ed) to say, "we need you to confirm dates with us in advance or we can't commit to being available." If it was more subtle than this you and your husband have contributed to the problem. He needs to have this direct conversation with her. ETA: I suggest her sons go on the trip with her since they want to make it happen. They can use that time to explain clearly that trip dates need to be
    via u/DangerLime113

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daughter in law widow mother in law family expensive skiing son vacation
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